APLETHORAOFPINATAS was born in the small town of Dunkelberg on the Polish/German border in 1932. A very musically gifted child, APLETHORAOFPINATAS was the last student of famed polish pianist Kornelius Drebble. Before his final year of instruction with Kornelius APLETHORAOFPINATAS' family was scattered by the vicious onslaught of the Luxembourgian blitzkrieg and APLETHORAOFPINATAS was forced to play in piano bars in his native town of Mandalay, India at the age of 12. He lived in, and ate the detritius that was poured into the streets by neighbours. The bar he played at, which is now known at the Sunset bar and grill in Boston, Massachusetts was once home to many literary scholars, the likes of which included J.R.R Tolkien, Charles Dickens, and Homer. It was there that, on that fateful night, Papa Smurf and Optimus Prime rescued APLETHORAOFPINATAS from his harrowing addiction to Hot Pockets and brought him home to live with them in Southern Tanzania. It was an adjustment for PLETHORAOFPINATAS to learn to live with two gay parents but he soon felt a sense of belonging...somewhere else. So he moved from their home in Duseldorf to his own studio apartment in New York City where he again took up work as a player piano player, piano bar piano player. A direct quote from his self titled biography reflects best on this time.
"Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest: Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers: Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest, And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!
When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is taboo'd by anxiety, I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in, without impropriety; For your brain is on fire – the bedclothes conspire of usual slumber to plunder you: First your counterpane goes, and uncovers your toes, and your sheet slips demurely from under you;
Then the blanketing tickles – you feel like mixed pickles – so terribly sharp is the pricking, And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss till there's nothing ‘twixt you and the ticking. Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and you pick 'em all up in a tangle;Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at its usual angle!
Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hot eye-balls and head ever aching.But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd very much better be waking;for you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about in a steamer from Harwich – Which is something between a large bathing machine and a very small second-class carriage –
And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to a party of friends and relations – They're a ravenous horde – and they all came on board at Sloane Square and South Kensington Stations. And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started that morning from Devon); He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when he tells you he's only eleven.
Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by the by, the ship's now a four-wheeler), And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names when you tell him that "ties pay the dealer";But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find you're as cold as an icicle, In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks), crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:
And he and the crew are on bicycles too – which they've somehow or other invested in – And he's telling the tars all the particulars of a company he's interested in – It's a scheme of devices, to get at low prices all goods from cough mixtures to cables (Which tickled the sailors), by treating retailers as though they were all vegetables –
You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman (first take off his boots with a boot-tree),And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and they'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree – From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea, cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries, While the pastrycook plant cherry brandy will grant, apple puffs, and three corners, and Banburys –
The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschild and Baring, And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudder despairing –
You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder you snore, for your head's on the floor, and you've needles and pins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for your left leg's asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on your nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, and a thirst that's intense, and a general sense that you haven't been sleeping in clover;
But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and the night has been long – ditto, ditto my song – and thank goodness they're both of them over!"
After waking from his personal nightmare he fell in love with Bertolt Brecht and attended Carnegie Mellon Univeristy earning a degree in Voice Performance. He has recently been the recipient of the first American knighthood bestowed on him by the King of America: Jubilation T. Cornpone. He is currently a professor of "la la land" at Yale where he studies the bite marks of weasel attack victims. He died February 15th, 1898 aboard the USS Maine.