LowEndLem

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LowEndLem

A budding alcoholic who somehow found the site on StumbleUpon, he decided after being kicked out of college, he had nothing else to do, so he joined up. Quickly decided IRC was more his thing.

LowEndLem doesn't post often, but when he does, it's usually in the General Discussion. He is usually found in IRC at night. One of the original MSLT3K members, he'll occasionally join in a MSLT3K and is no longer doing his LP of Pokemon Sapphire, but I swear, it'll start up anew with Emerald when I get the files back. No lie.

Background

Fat, lazy, and plays bass. Prefers pizza to most food, except cheeseburgers from a local place.

Kicked out of two Illinois colleges, which he twistedly considers an achievement.

Has never, to his eternal shame, never beaten a Mario game. He's currently working on it after the 2010 SNES Challenge had a Super Mario World Challenge. He finally beat Bowser on April 26, 2010. Suck it, Koopa.

Appearance

N831906691 1388362 7930.jpg

Places Lem Is Banned From

Gamecrazy
Subway
Play N Trade Nevermind, can go in if Lem has moneys.
Starbucks
Some friend's house

Bands Lem Has Been In

WolfPack - Shitty avant garde band
Course9 - Shitty altrock/emo band
Unnamed Metal Band - Shitty metal band
Unnamed Metal Band Part 2 - Redo!
EmberStone - Metal Band, quit after fistfight with the drummer
Unnamed Cover Band - It's better than another metal band.
Unnamed Altrock band - Jesus Christ, I can't stay away from music. (This was Course9 with no name)
At Mourning's End - Screamo/popmosh band. After extended tryout period, declined the offer. I think they broke up after losing a singer.
Another Unnamed Altrock Band - Holy shit what is this I don't even (This is the same as the other Altrock band. Yes I suck. Fuck you.)
Currently not in a band, subject to change, obviously.

Lem's Quote Wall


Started by a friend of his, it has grown since its' humble origins in 2008. This is the version as of Dec. 31, 2010. Lem's name is Scott, for the record.

NOTE: Lem is often an awful person in real life. These are usually offensive. Get used to it.


So I have this friend, you see. And he's really fucking angry. At everything. Always. And he's just brimming with great quotes.


His one liners are good:


"I don't listen to shitty music... or black people."

"Oh please, I'm so insightful when I'm not... you know, being me."

"What I'm trying to say here is: penis."

"Hrm, if I had a beard I'd stroke it at this point, but I don't... so I'll just stroke my penis. Hrm..."

"I've become so accustomed to your disdain it's like candy for me."

"Quick, someone call Jordan to lift up the couch because that's ALL HE'S FUCKING GOOD FOR."

"It's a 15-minute porno, you don't need 'endurance,' it's not going to judge you."

"I blame the... the... gypsies. I haven't blamed them in a while."

"Let's be nineteenth century gentlemen and buy things just because we can."

"You know how I know you're gay? Because you took me aside and told me in confidence you were a homosexual."

"I had a dream, and right before this chick kissed me, I woke up. Not even my subconscious can get laid."

"You have so many options for fucking. My options for entry: low. We're talking less than one here."

"This place [work] is so emotionally draining I'm torn between crying and stabbing someone in the soul."

"I don't have 'friends.' I just have a list of people who hate me less."

"You know what I'm gonna do someday? I'm gonna buy a shotgun, then come visit you, and cram it down your urethra. Then I'm gonna buy a machine gun and shove it down your throat. Then I'm gonna buy a flamethrower and ram it up your ass. Then I'm gonna wire them all together with a pull string and fire them and nothing will happen because I can't do anything right."

"Where I once had self-esteem I have only lard."

"Show me someone who IS fond of me and I'll show you a liar, or someone who wants to borrow money from me, or a liar who wants money, or a dog."

"I put you [me] as a reference on my application [to Subway]. There's a 40% chance I did not draw a cock next to your name."

"I amaze myself sometimes... because I'm very easily impressed."

"I could feel my tits and realize they suck or I could feel yours [Megan's] and get arrested."

"I'm an acquired taste... like herpes."

"Those of you who tell me to be myself have no idea what you're in for."

"You show me a day when I'm not threatening people, I show you a prescription for a metric fuckton of weed and Vicodin... or I'll be asleep... or flying with a flock of muskrats, BECAUSE IT'LL NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN."

"I have a turgid, cosmic cock EMBEDDED in me at all times."

"I'm gonna smack you so hard your parents will accept your homosexuality."

"I have come to a conclusion, and it is: fuck."

"So I was about to ask if you wanted to go to Culver's after work, and I remembered you're at school. This made me sad."

"Apparently, you're an 'abomination.' I hate my class. Only I can call you an abomination!"

"My teacher just asked what kind of gonads we had, and I almost responded with 'the kind with strife.' Please tell me you get that."

"I demand a medal. Made of Angertonium."

"And I don't see me getting his email, phone number, twitter, or ANY GODDAMN CONTACT INFO EVER, BECAUSE GOD HATES ME. IF I EVER DID, I WOULD NERDGASM SO HARD, YOU WOULD HEAR IT CLEARLY, AND A CHOIR OF ANGELS WOULD ANNOUNCE IT and I'm done with capslock for the day."

"So my sister dragged me to a tanning salon, and I have never seen a place in such need of an arson."

"I AM STRONGLY INDIFFERENT TO ANYTHING WHATSOEVER, EVER."

"Update the note or I...NEW THREAT INCOMING...will: Rip your intestines from your asshole, cram them back down your throat to your stomach, staple them there, cut open your back, rip out your spine and turn you into a fine purse. Yes I've been working on that one for a while."

"I will fight you in a dark alley. Go find me an alley. Why don't we have an alley, Goddamnit, all we have is a gangway."

"Go fetch me a plank. I wish to bonk you with it."

"I just peed in three different urinals. Don't ask me why. I don't know. I just felt like it had to be done."

"So it appears that everyone in my family got/is getting laid tonight except me. I'd say I love being me, but that's such a lie not even I can pull it off."

"Do you know any single girls who like antisocial assholes?"

"We have to smash. And Mystery Science Theatre. And smash. And stuff. And mock. And verb."

"I decide to be a good boy and clean up my room today, and go to put away my suit. I open the closet and the shelf falls, crushing my hand and arm. Fuck helping."

"I think I just got mocked by Charlie Murphy on Q101. He and the morning deejays are talking about porno, and I told them the site they were talking about sucks. He said, 'What kind of life does this guy have to have different levels of porno?'"

"Get the fuck home, you half-dicked platypus."

"It wouldn't be a day knowing me unless I dashed the living shit out of your hopes."

"Why wasn't I a drummer before? This is awesome! I get to hit shit!"

"Is it wrong that I already have something stupid planned to do at my wedding if I get married? Because I doooooo."

"I just drop kicked my door. No, it didn't fix it."

"I was driving home alone one day, because that's how I roll: depressed."

"Jordan touches less healthy things than you do. Hell, I touch myself... that's not healthy."

"I'm a full time student... okay that's a lie."

"I'm only drinking chocolate milk because it denied me twice. Once more and I would've been Christ."

"Jimmy, it's me. I can do everything I shouldn't and none of what I should."

"If a Twilight MMO ever gets made, I will start screaming. And I will never EVER stop."

"I should have been on the speech team; I would have been the best speecher."

  • Playing Wii Golf* "Stroke four... just like my grandpa."

"The man [Jordan] has the subtlety of a sledgehammer... wielded by Thor... in a china shop."

"On a scale of 1 to stab, how angry are you with me?"

"I just tried to apply at K-mart, and when I entered my name, it told me it was looking for more qualified applicants and kicked me off. That just happened."

"I should probably stop lighting things in my car on fire."

"I'm gonna send your nuts into the ionosphere."

"I lead a really really effed up life. With random bursts of failure. And occasionally pizza. It's a buffet! But of suck."

"It's not depression if I'm hilarious."

"I'm pretty... in the dark."

"You wake up on those lonely midnights in a cold sweat because you suddenly realize that I'm still alive."

"I got turned down for a date today because I am a virgin. These things... they're terrible."

"Pete goes through wives like I go through Kleenex."

"I exist on a plane of awkward unknown to most humans."

"Oh! He beat it like a child called 'it!'"

"Oh God, this is like 'AIDS: The Game.'"

"When I hit bottom, I tend to demand a shovel and prove people wrong."

"I should have stopped doing shots around the time I started doing shots."

"I aim to please. And always miss."

"Customers are still in store while it's closed, and not buying. Warehouse solution? PLAY ON THE FORKLIFT!"

"I hate pregnant women. They act so entitled."

"If one more person buys a leather couch while it's raining I will set them on fire."

"My iPod Touch is crashing Safari more than United 93. Explain."

"This chair I just loaded is so comfy; it's ribbed for my pleasure."

"I wasn't DRUNK. I'd barely be able to figure out how to open it. I was socially drinking. By myself. In a dark basement. On a weekday."

"When you have a gay friend, the greeting 'How's your ass?' gains an entirely new meaning."

"For breakfast, I had two bottles of cherry pop and a small box of Cheez-its. Science should study me and find out how I'm still alive."

"According to my coworkers, I am: gay, pregnant, disturbed, totally gay, Chunk from the Goonies, evil, seriously gay, man, and gay."

"Man I'm glad I have such great self-esteem otherwise I'd feel awful about the way I'm treated all the time HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH WAIT."

"For Halloween, I will be an undersexed, underpaid, and under-appreciated warehouse worker."

"I think bourbon's a pretty cool guy. He fights sobriety and doesn't afraid of anything."

"AIDS the game would be boring: get AIDS, hospital hospital hospital hospital rehab DIE. There may be an attempt to lead a normal life but it never works. Because of the AIDS."

"There's too much blood in my alcohol vessels."

"Ryan Reynolds is delicious and a comic book nerd. And he's Canadian!"

"Just got banned from calling myself a 'smooth pimp daddy.' This makes me sad."

"Things I can't say at work: 'fuck your god,' 'flambé dick,' 'I like setting fires,' and 'I dunno if it's a safety blade. Check.'"

"Today I got a paid break. Because I didn't get to go on break."

"I am both impressed and filled with hate at how many versions of Jingle Bell Rock there are."

"When opening up a box with a razor, I missed. And opened up my finger. Go me."

"Why is the warehouse so much colder than the rest of the store it's cold and unfair and also cold."

"OH GOD FAT WOMAN HARD NIPPLES WHY."

"Just fell into the trash compactor. Have realized compactor is much more fun from the outside."

"I think I just heard a Porky Pig Christmas carol and I want to punch a child so it will leave my brain forever."

"I swear to God, if I get hit with another couch I will kill everything ever. This is the worst thing."

"I'm pretty sure the song 'Baby It's Cold Outside' is about date rape."

"Guess whose hand just got crushed by a bunk bed? The answer is me. Forever me."

"Asked girl out at a party I just left. Was denied because I am "nothing like Edward." I swear to God I'm about to ragequit LIFE if this Twilight shit goes on."

"Tempting fate... 'I trust White Castle didn't fuck up my order.' GUESS WHAT THEY DID GODDAMMIT."

"Overheard at Moraine: 'Yeah I couldn't do the community service for dealing because I was busy dealing.' Most dedicated dealer ever?"

"I have come to the conclusion that life is good because of the large amount of hot girls wearing yoga pants."


But most of his great quotes require context:


Me: "Do I change when I'm drunk?"

Pete: "You get more talkative."

Scott: "You turn into a dinosaur."


Pete: "Corona tastes like making out with a Mexican."

Scott: "Was she eating a lime? Was she drinking Corona? Was she in fact just a bottle of Corona?"


Me: "You know it's illegal not to have a rearview mirror."

Scott: "You know what else is illegal? Mexicans... ... Racist comments come out of me like semen."


Me: "What, Scott? What were you going to say?"

Scott: "Uhh... erm... umm... oh fuck it, you're gay."


Me: "I could probably be in this talent show."

Scott: "Doing what? Eating a cucumber in one bite?"


Steve S: *rolling a die* "One... beat it."

Scott: "I'll beat it like my dick at a Hilary Duff concert."


Steve F: "$500 says you don't get close to my sister."

Scott: "I don't need to get close to use a tranq dart."


Dayton: "How'd you get a 0.5?"

Scott: "I really like naps?"


Scott: "Megan Fox is bisexual."

Pete: "You think you have a chance?"

Scott: "No, but Mr. Chloroform does."


Me: "I hate you and all that you stand for, or rather what little you stand for."

Scott: "I'd stand for more things if I didn't have to stand."


Dayton: "What if he gets a wet dream?"

Scott: "You can't control wet dreams, but mine never come to fruition anyway."


Me: "You're a marvel of science."

Scott: "I'd be amazing if I weren't such a failure."


Me: "Are you using 'strategy?' Is that in your repertoire?"

Scott: "'Repertoire' isn't even in my repertoire."


Me: "I should be a prostitute, nobody would expect that."

Scott: "What? Everyone would expect that. I would expect the fuck out of that."


Me: "There's a female Hooters parallel in Wisconsin, it's called the Caddy Shack."

Scott: "That's not good enough, there needs to be a clever pun on cocks... AND I'M JUST THE MAN FOR THE JOB!"


Me: "Scott and I used to be really good friends, then we stopped, but now we're cool again, right?"

Scott: "Well yeah, it's kind of hard to be distant with someone who lives ten feet away from you."


Scott: *looking through my iPod* "You don't have The Clash? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU-Oh wait, I'm not searching right."

Me: "No, I just don't have The Clash."

Scott: "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"


Me: "That doesn't work."

Scott: "Why?"

Me: "Because it has to obey the laws of gravity."

Scott: "Oh. Those."


Me: *playing Megaman* "Why is there lava?"

Scott: "Someone broke a lava pipe."

Me: "Why are there lava pipes?"

Scott: "Where else are you going to keep the lava?"


Me: "Your power of bathos is unfathomable."

Scott: "I forget what the one is."

Me: "Taking something really profound and making it really... unprofound."

Scott: "Yeah, I'm bathostastic."


Me: "I'm making a quote wall for you, it's taking a while, this is harder work than I thought."

Scott: "I should stop being so awesome, but, fuck you."


Me: "I'm almost done with your wall."

Scott: "Hurry the fuck up!"

Me: "Hang on."

Scott: "I want to see the only thing I've ever accomplished."


Me: "Who should I tag in this note?" (yes this note... he's got quotes as I'm writing his quote wall)

Scott: "Bitches. Tag the bitches."


  • Playing super smash brothers of course*

Scott: "The stethoscope is mightier than the sword!"

Me: "The stethoscope is a terrible choice of weapon!"

Scott: "Not if you're strangling, or listening to someone's heart, what if they have a heart murmur?"


Me: "You're so funny you should have a warning label."

Scott: "Which one though? I think 'Contents Under Pressure' works: 'Hey did you hear abo-' 'SHUT UP.' Then comes the knife rain."


  • playing Super Smash Brothers again*

Scott: "Well looks like Tingle's dead."

Me: "What was your first clue?"

Scott: "Probably the death."


  • Sophie begins barking before Scott even enters the room*

Me: "It's like she knows you're coming."

Scott: "It's the Fat-Signal!"


Me: "Why does your life seem to crumble in your hands like a poorly baked cookie?"

Scott: "Because I ate the dough before hand, leaving only sad bits crusted to the rim?"


Me: "Does anything happy ever happen to you?"

Scott: "Well... in the sense that... ... yeah, fuck it, I'm perpetually dicked with by some cosmic force."


Scott: "I wish we were 21."

Me: "I wish we were too."

Scott: "Then we could solve all our problems by going to a bar and be like people in sitcoms."


Scott: "Like the sperm of persistence to the egg that is your will power!"

Me: "That metaphor was kind of a stretch."

Scott: "You try being funny on command. It's harder than I make it out to be."


Scott: "I have many wasted talents."

Me: "Like what?"

Scott: "...'many' is such a strong word."


Me: "People on my floor love love LOVE not flushing their shit down the toilet."

Scott: "Well yeah, it's not their problem once it leaves their rectum. Like your one night stands."


Scott: "I have, somehow, one last deposit from White Castle from last week. It's 200 dollars. What the fuck."

Me: "So what, it's money."

Scott: "I'm paranoid. It's White Castle. It has to be poisoned."


Me: "Guess what I invoke (it's probably McCampbell's Law)."

Scott: "Is it a pony? Invoke a pony!"


Scott: "It has come to my attention that I can think up a lie, use it, and have it be believed in less than a second. I don't know if that's good or bad."

Me: "That's not just a talent, a moral detriment, or a strategy for selfishness, it is the nature of true political power."

Scott: "So what you're saying is, I should be President."

Me: "No, you'd fuck shit up. Stick with being a douchebag."

Scott: "I'd be an awesome President. Just without charisma, skill, motivation, care, or want."


Me: "I think I'm coming home next weekend for homecoming. Coming. As in the opposite of going. Not ejaculation."

Scott: "Is it bad we have to specify what is innuendo and what is a legitimate word?"

Me: "No I think we've reached a milestone in our friendship expressly because of it."

Scott: "We really should not be this weird. Then again, fuck it, let us ride the armored platypi to war!"

Me: "In the name of Odin the All-Father!"

Scott: "TO WAR, STRANGE MAMMALS!"


Me: "Is it legal to have a bromance if I'm gay?"

Scott: "Love transcends all. Except poison. Romeo and Juliet learned that pretty fucking quick."


Me: "How is that historic?"

Scott: "It took place during history?"


Scott: "Explain to me why there is a test on facebook..."

Me: "QUANTUMS, that's why."

Scott: "For 'which 08-09 TP Senior football player are you?' And you can't say quantums."


Me: "Hello? Are you there?"

Scott: "Oh, sorry I pocket-dialed you."

Me: "Oh I was wondering who all those voices were."

Scott: "MY BUTT."


Scott: "How are you?"

Me: "Pretty good."

Scott: "How's class?"

Me: "Not bad."

Scott: "...WHY ARE WE MAKING SMALL TALK. We are not built for small talk. We are built for A: lectures on how I need to stop saying 'dildo,' and B: deep philosophical discussions that end in me saying 'dildo.'"


Scott: "I miss pants."

Me: "Then put them on."

Scott: "But then I have to get up."

Me: "It's a simple equation: you + pants = you with pants."

Scott: "Even I know that. It's when that fucker 'x' gets involved. He's always fuckin with mah shit. Me: 'Oh I know this one!' X: "Do you, bitch? Look at me; I'm an unknown. You can't do shit till you know me.' Me: 'Fuck this, where's my porn...'"


Scott: "Fear my power over words. It's... uncanny."

Me: "Nice use of 'uncanny.'"

Scott: "I know. It's because I'm so sexy, words form around me like cloth to do something something where the fuck am I going with this."


Me: "Because I'm a bastard."

Scott: "Well, yeah. It's a class requirement for this quest... prick."


Scott: "There's a vagina breath mint. I don't know how to respond to that."

Me: "Now is that a mint that makes your breath smell like vagina or does it make your vagina smell good?"

Scott: "The latter. Also makes it taste good."

Me: "Brilliant! Whoever thought of that must have had a terrible string of exgirlfriends."

Scott: "Actually, because the main ingredient is sugar, they'll probably get a yeast infection."

Me: "Beergina?"

Scott: "Best thing ever?"


Me: "At least you have a good moral compass; that's good."

Scott: "It's not so much a compass as a slingshot."


Me: "Have you ever been lucky, ever?"

Scott: "I once...um...this one time...yeah, no. OH WAIT! I did find some quarters in my car. And then the electrical system broke."


Me: "Your misery always makes my day."

Scott: "I provide many services that help nothing!"


Scott: "Go to YouTube and put in Gay Anal Robot."

Me: "No I hate that."

Scott: "Oh come on, you do not hate two of those three things."


Me: "My iPod broke earlier. Guess what fixed it? Hitting the shit out of it as it tried to start up. You were right. Violence really does solve everything."

Scott: "I always am. Except when I'm really obviously wrong."


Me: *looking at a banana in Borders* "Banana cars wouldn't work."

Scott: "How would you get in?"

Me: "Where's the banana engine?"

Scott: "Though, it's quite appealing."

...

Me: "How did we both miss that pun?"


Scott: "Get the fuck home you half-dicked platypus."

Me: "You're mean."

Scott: "But the anger means I love you."


Me: "I got cookies!"

Scott: "I got depression!"


Scott: "The large one has come to a conclusion!"

Me: "And he decrees..."

Scott: "Oh, I never said I knew what it was. I just said I came to one. To be continued, and such."


Scott: "Your whole point is phallus... wait, I mean-"

Me: "FREUD'D!"


Me: "You've got the right idea."

Scott: "Always do."

Me: "Except when your idea is clearly and utterly wrong."

Scott: "One time! Once! It's not my fault the orphans were allergic to dogs."


Scott: "It's DA BEAST Y BOYS!"

Me: "I hate you."

Scott: "Provided I ever get married, I'm playing that at my wedding. You and your boyfriend can titter in the corner. After which I will... *sigh*... play The Killers."

Me: "...I love you now."

Scott: "I hate it. BUT. I'm willing to do it, provided..."

Me: "Uh oh."

Scott: "You say 'dong' in your best man speech. Those are my terms."

Me: "Agreed."

Scott: "God, you're a fool."


Kaylee: "Where have you people been my whole life?"

Scott: "Alone in my room."


Me: "Mazel tov!"

Kaylee: "L'chaim!"

Scott: "Jew words!"


Me: "I have your movies."

Scott: "Which ones?""

Me: "Umm, Idle Hands and Sla-"

Scott: "They were stolen."


Pete: "What are you [me] doing in New Orleans?"

Scott: "He's going to make fun of the Katrina victims: 'Guess where I live? Dry land!'"


Me: "So who has fun college stories?"

Scott: "I do, I do- OH WAIT."


Jordan: "I washed these hands."

Scott: "That doesn't make them any less molesty."


Twilight Character: "It was jet black and on all fours it was still taller than a person."

Scott: "Thank you for talking about my penis."


Me: "Well, you're stupid."

Scott: "Yeah, well, parts of heartland America oppose you and your lifestyle."

Me: "Who cares, most of the rest of the world does too."

Scott: "Your morals are bad and you should feel bad or something; I forget whatever point I may or may not have had. Also, cocks."


Scott: "I'm gonna need your help tomorrow."

Me: "Guh, with what?"

Scott: "Well, not tomorrow."

Me: "..."

Scott: "In the next month or so. I just wanted you to respond fast."

Me: "That was incredibly misleading."

Scott: "I know."


Scott: "Update the note!"

Me: "Oh yes, that's what I wanted to do today."

Scott: "Do it now."

Me: "I will in a bit, here, now calm your tits."

Scott: "No. My tits remain engraged. Im not correcting that."

Me: "I can't tell if you misspelled 'enraged' or 'engorged.'"

Scott: "Exactly."


Me: "I'm going to find George Stokes and shove his theorem down his urethra."

Scott: "I think you mean 'up.'"

Me: "His theorem says I can choose whatever orientation I want."

Scott: "So that's how you figured out you were gay."

Me: "Yes. Via Stokes' Theorem."

Scott: "BAM. Gay joke'd."


Fundamentalist Forum Post: "WHY CANT YOU PEOPLE READ THE BIBLE!!!!!!!!!!! IT ANSWERS EVERYTHING, AND IF YOU DONT BELIVE IT U HAVE NO SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Scott: "They also say the gays have no soul. By the logic, you're down TWO souls. You took someone else's soul. Which makes you Satan. Or something. I'm not drunk or stupid enough to follow this logic."


Me: "I had forgotten to turn in a huge assignment. Office hours open at three, but my cousin is coming to get this fridge, further delaying my groveling for points."

Scott: "Oh shit. Fuck his fridge. Run."

Me: "Well..."

Scott: "Run like Stephen Hawking used to."

Me: "...I can go any time between three and five... wait what?"

Scott: "My best metaphor today? I think so."


  • Playing super smash brothers*

Pete: "Fight me!"

Scott: "You have a sword!"

Pete: "You have pills!"

Scott: "ONE of those is pointy!"


Scott: "She had already decided on my arch rival."

Me: "Arch rival? Was his name... GARY?"

Scott: "No! It was BLUE!"


Scott: "How was your day."

Me: "It was nice.... Small talk feels so awkward."

Scott: "It is.... Dildo. And we have normality."


Theo: "Are you medically sane to be out with normal people?"

Scott: "Haha of course not!"


Scott: "It told me that some girl added me to her favorites. So I clicked on her profile name... 'user does not exist.'"

Me: "OH GOD, that's awful!"

Scott: "Fucking. Life. Just... fuck."


Me: "How many shots did you take?"

Scott: "Yes!"


Me: "D'ou viens-tu?"

Chatrouletter: "La Suisse."

Scott: "You speak Swiss?"


Me: "[My father] grew up in the fifties."

Scott: "When everything was black and white... or should I say white?"


Me: "You've only bought porn once."

Scott: "Yeah. It was a gift... to my dick."


Scott: "I'm always tired."

Jake: "Maybe you're anemic."

Scott: "No, I'm just fat."


Me: "Goddammit, you've gotten yourself in a really deep shithole."

Scott: "I have a little cottage here, it's quite nice. How're you holding up?"


Trevor: "...and the British had designed this bomb to drop on Germany that was almost 22,000 pounds."

Scott: "That's almost 23,000 pounds!"

Trevor: "Yeah it... wait... .... but anyway... wait... what?"


Scott: "I am giving a lot of consideration to cutting a few non-vital tendons in my arm to avoid this sale."

Me: "Do not, under any circumstance, do that!"

Scott: "Non-vital!"


Scott: "Yeah, he's from Canada... ice. That's where he's from."

Me: "No, but Canada is a different planet!"

Scott: "Oh shit ice planet... CANADA IS HOTH."


Scott: "I AM RIDING ON RIMS. ON MY LAWNMOWER. WHO DOES THIS."

Me: "WAT."

Scott: "LAWNMOWER DRIFTING FUCK YEAH."

Me: "THEY SEE ME MOWIN'."

Scott: "DEY HATIN'."

Me: "TRYIN' TO CATCH ME RIDIN' SWEATY, DEPRESSED, AND OVERWORKED."

Scott: "I have to redo part of the yard now. I was laughing too hard to steer."

Me: "I win at you!"


Me: "This is why I love you."

Scott: "I thought it was for my body.... Man, I almost deadpanned that."


Me: "WHERE ARE THESE NOISES COMING FROM?"

Scott: "Yo belly. Feed it."

Me: "Those are chimes. Really creepy chimes."

Scott: "...My tummy assumption still stands. Did you eat chimes? Or some rather tinkly tacos?"


Me: "I think one of my roommates needs to wake up. And she has a lot of elaborate methods of doing so."

Scott: "I can giver her a method of waking up. PROTIP: It's rape."

Me: "Oh God, oatmeal... in my pulmonary tract."

Scott: "I forget where that is. But I assume the oatmeal's not supposed to be there."

Me: "Opposite."

Scott: "Oh. That's bad. Stop that."

Me: "It's where air goes. Not oatmeal. Oatmeal is a poor oxygen carrier."

Scott: "Oatmeal is air, right?"

Me: "Oh my God, why are you not with me right now? Why did we not get drunk together last night? You need to get out of your house."

Scott: "Get out of my house. And into your van. Van of rape. It's like that song: 'Get out of my dreams and into my car.' But with much more rape. And less Eddie Murphy."

Me: "You're really rapey today."

Scott: "Rape's funny."

Me: "It's the opposite of funny."

Scott: "What's more fun than crippling emotional trauma that renders you unable to trust another human being for a large portion of your life? And also rapebabies. Man, if I have kids, the world is fucked."

Me: "Dear God..."

Scott: "'Uncle Jimmy! We learned a new word today! Dickbitch!' 'Goddammit Scott...'"

Me: "'Now use it in a sentence.'"

Scott: "'Uncle Jimmy is a dickbitch.' 'THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT.'"

Me: "GODDAMMIT. Why am I a blubbering pile of lolz right now?"

Scott: "Because you're drunk and I'm awesome."

Me: "Oh God, I need to go. I'll talk to you later."

Scott: "Bye. Stop putting oatmeal in your airhole."


Scott: "A stripper bit him."

Me: "They're venomous."

Scott: "You have to suck out the poison but that costs ten dollars extra."


Me: "I've missed you!"

Scott: "You're wrong!"


Scott: "What are you doing?"

Me: *waving my phone around* "Trying to get reception."

Scott: "Good luck, most places won't even marry you, HEY!"


Coworker: *tosses out orange peel*

Scott: "Was it not APPEALING to you?"

Coworker: "..."

Scott: "It's a pun motherfucker, laugh."


Scott: "I know exactly what to get you for Christmas when I turn 21."

Me: "Is it Christmas bourbon?"

Scott: "Actually I was thinking a fine wine."

Me: "Oh that's thoughtful, how sweet."

Scott: "That or a stripper. A woman stripper. It'll actually just be a gift to me with your name on it. So it'll be a lie."


Me: "That's like 'Now that I've finished the story, let me go back and tell the story.'"

Scott: "I do this shit like Star Wars."


Scott: "You love me."

Pete: "I do."

Scott: "You're wrong."

Pete: "You brought it up!"

Scott: "I lie."


This kid rocks. He rocks so hard, I made a law for him:


The Law of Greatest Misery states that as the time since Scott's last failure increases, the probability of failing again approaches 1 and the intensity of said fail also increases. In other words, the more he thinks his luck has changed, the more likely Lady Luck will shaft him with her vibrating dildo of misfortune.

Lem's 2nd Quote Wall (as added by other forumers)

(in a text to Cameron) "When homophobic coworker screws up dry swallowing a pain pill, am not allowed to ask if that's why his boyfriend broke up with him."

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