Fucking State of: Missouri

Why it sucks:

Do you enjoy flatness, corn, rednecks, people complaining about school taxes climbing over ten cents, country music, and more rednecks? Then Missouri is the place for you! Come see the big white racist assholes in rusted out pickup trucks with Confederate flag mud flaps calling you a fag for not hunting, killing, cooking, and eating varmint and/or critter. Come see people brag about which side of town is better when in reality they both contain dilapidated shitholes of buildings. Come see the white kids who think they're black and drive around in "pimped out" Ford Escorts with shitty subs cranked up so high that the chrome is vibrating off of their Wal-Mart spinner hubcaps. God damn, I hate Missouri!

Did you know that Missouri is the only state where it's ILLEGAL to play video games in prison? I guess the government would rather have prisoners out in the yard gouging each others' eyes out then being inside, playing a game, minding their own business.

Enter Missouri, and you'll be treated to a time warp of sorts; think cowboys circa 1983. Good ol' Missouri seems to have an abundance of mullets, pants so tight that it looks like the pores in their legs are emitting jean, and blatant racism. You can't even go into a freaking theme park (Six Flags, I'm looking at you) without hearing a seventeen year old girl utter, and I quote: "There's a lot of black people here. *whispers* They're scary." Missouri is a boiling cesspool of skanky, bigotted people who seem to think that Larry the Cable Guy is the pinnacle of class. To make your own little Missouri mural, stand in front of a wall and stick your fingers down your throat for about ten seconds. But be forwarned! Missouri murals come with damage to the lining of your esophagus.

Notable features of Missouri

• Uber-tight jeans on extremely disgusting men
• Men who like to pick fights and weigh maybe 110 pounds
• 300 pound women with cellulite so bad the backs of their thighs look like swamps of cottage cheese
• Mullets. Many, many mullets.
• Crunchy, bleached perms
• Acid-washed jeans
• Skanks
• White trash
• People who treat Jeff Foxworthy as if he has any semblance of humorous punchlines
• People who look like Jeff Foxworthy
• Racism
• A ridiculously idiotic police force
• Stupid post offices that won't hire anyone even after four postal workers have quit due to craptastic working conditions
• Waitresses named "Peggy"
• I'm pretty sure Missouri is one of the top running states for "number of meth labs"
• Beer bellies. Lots of 'em.
• People under the age of 30 who don't have teeth and have dentures
• People under the age of 30 who don't have teeth and don't have dentures
• Teenage pregnancy
• STDs
• Head lice
• Cockroaches
• Too many poisonous animals
• Scorching summers and freezing winters
• Minors who like to get drunk and rape people