Chilliwack, BC

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Chilliwack, British Columbia, is the shittiest shit town to ever shit. It's approximately 100 km from Vancouver, BC. It is Ross Rifle's home town. Chilliwack sucks.


Chilliwack's first inhabitants were the Kipp family in the late 1800s. Throughout the 20th Century, Chilliwack grew. That's about it. Chilliwack sucks.

The Joke

Who remembers Johnny Hart's "BC" comic strip? Every once in a while they'd have a joke where the one caveman says "My hometown is so small..." and the other caveman says "Oh yeah? How small was it?"-insert punchline here...

Well, Chilliwack is so small...

(How small is it?)

We never have elections for mayor because only one guy runs...

PS. That isn't a punchline. It's the truth. Another truth is that Chilliwack sucks.


Chilliwack sits in the middle of the beautiful Fraser Valley. It is bordered at the South by the Vedder River and at the North by the Fraser River. Chilliwack is surrounded by mountains and forest. It's also surrounded by Indian reserves, which isn't the best. Chilliwack sucks.


Chilliwack has about 70,000 residents. There's probably about 300 Asians, 5 African-Americans, 3 East Indians, 35,000 white people, and the rest First Nations people. As mentioned above, the town is surrounded by Indian reserves, so a very large number of Chilliwack's residents are drunk, poor, drug-addicted Native people. There's a bunch of homeless people too. Chilliwack also holds a Canadian record for most Churches per capita, as well as most grow-ops per capita...put that one together. Chilliwack sucks.

City Centre

Chilliwack's downtown core is marked by Five Corners, a square that no one except Chilliwack drivers can seem to handle. At least half of the downtown core's businesses are abandoned. Chilliwack sucks.

Notable Residents

Chilliwack's most famous resident is Patrick Gallagher. Chilliwack's other residents include:

  • Ross Rifle and Chainsaw Symphony.
  • The Heavy Metal Hobo-once sold Ross Rifle the Alice Cooper issue of Rock N Roll Comics
  • Crazy Lady-crazy old bitch who once lived down the street from Ross. She liked to run outside naked...
  • Mullet Man-the infamous Mullet Man used to ride around town on his bike talking to himself.
  • Crazy Bike Guy-once pulled a knife on Ross' mom.
  • Redbeard-this homeless guy that Ross talks to. He rides his bike a lot and is really nice.
  • Pirate Man-Crazy fucker. Wears a horizontally striped shirt and has in depth conversations with himself.
  • Gay Boys- Live across the street from Ross. They only painted half their house, but they chopped down their shrubs and`ll have to finish the job. The have dogs and are gay.
  • JIMMY!!!!- Lives right across the street from Ross. He has a ham radio tower, keeps his house under tight lockdown, and most likely owns heavy artillery. His real name is unknown, but he was dubbed Jimmy by Ross and his dad after the retard on King of the Hill.
  • Patrick-an old high school friend of Chainsaw Symphony. He fell into hard drugs and is now a complete idiot.


Chilliwack is a fucking dump that should never be visited. Sometimes it gets scary walking at noon. There's a shitload of cracked out Natives and homeless people, and not nearly enough cops. There's gangs, a massive drug industry, and a large amount of prostitutes. Basically, all the problems of a major city, crammed into a small town. When driving down Yale, Chilliwack's #1 main road, you are guaranteed to see at least one of the following: hooker, crack head, teenage mother.

Another major problem is that the City is tearing down all of Chilliwack's houses and putting up apartments. It's fucking ridiculous. Ross Rifle is particularly angered as many of Chilliwack's houses are around 100 years old (his was built in 1888, the same year Jack the Ripper was running around ruining the shit of hookers in London).

The whole atmosphere of the town creates a very hostile environment. As a result, Chilliwack has greatly contributed to the crime rate in BC, and school fight videos on Youtube.

It also doesn't help that ol' Wheels (Mayor Sam Sullivan) in Vancouver is clearing out his town for the 2010 Olympics and sending all the dregs of society to outlying town, without giving a shit.

A recent study has shown that Chilliwack is the 7th most dangerous city in Canada. Nearby Vancouver, with a population of 2.25 million people, sits two spots lower.

Lastly, Chilliwack sucks.

Things To Do In Chilliwack

As Chilliwack closes at 10pm and is more entertaining after that, here's a list of activities that Ross and his friends like to partake in:

  • Get drunk.
  • Walk around.
  • Get drunk and walk around.
  • Walk all the way across town and back.
  • Go to 7-11.
  • Walk in the middle of the road and get in trouble with the cops.
  • Flip off cops.
  • Knock over mailboxes.
  • Knock over dumpsters.
  • Break windows, TVs, etc.
  • Go up Little Mountain and throw things off the cliff.
  • Basically do anything that'll cause a loud noise and potentially maybe piss people off.
  • Chilliwack sucks.


Chilliwack sucks, and I want out-Ross Rifle